elderly. He also has a personal fedora collection that he likes to advertise to the rest of us. This fucker has a multitude of hobbies he uses to make himself feel important. He also likes random shit, like shit you wouldn't even think was likeable. Considering the fact that we're all lazy and/or anemic idiots (except Zane I guess but who even is Zane), he's probably the most physically developed out of the entire group (which isn't saying much. At all.). If I had to describe Evan in a few words, it would be gay, retarded, and just overall fucking stupid.
Le Epic Parkour Edit
When he's not doing stupid shit on the internet or shitting himself, he's probably out practicing his epic parkour skills. He performs such dazzling feats as: jumping off a water fountain, leaping over a fire hydrant, or even doing that one thing where you grab the railing right outside the portables and kinda flip over it and it looks a lot cooler than it actually is. He also
sometimes acts like he's gonna jump off somewhere high up, which really annoys John for some reason. He's been a professional since his first trip to the bathroom, where he did a kickflip on the toilet and won the world series. It's because of the heavy requirements of this field that he's grown an attachment to his pair fingerless gloves, a popular but hard to master accessory to the parkour regiment. He's taken first place in such renowned competitions as: "Assisted Living Daily Workout Program" and "Congratulations, you pooped!". He is known all around the world for his incredible skill and finesse.
Daily Life Edit
Evan's day consists of waking up, shitting himself, crying, and going back to bed before hopping in my car. Then we listen to KJazz (an "uninterrupted" hour of jazz, blues and swing music every morning) for about fifteen minutes while we drive to school. I usually put on all my accessories and drink my coffee, but I have no idea what Evan does. Like I usually wonder what he's doing back there. I assume he's usually either just on his phone or staring out the window like a lonely faggot with no friends. Then he shits around and goes to Ms. Villalbas class every morning and pretends like he did more notes than he actually did. Then I have no idea what the rest of his day is like, but I assume it's just boring and sad. Then he comes to our lunch table, which is the only break he has in the dull and meaningless fog of his everyday life. Then he drives us home after school (unless his dad wants to go to costco and get a pizza. See: Costco Pizza). Then, every day when he gets home, he looks over his le epic fedora collection, his seal plush, and his wolf/fursona poster that his mom bought from some spic-ass nigger. He then either plays some Dark Souls, writes stuff for his Muh SoundCloud, or practices his parkour. Then he cries himself to sleep while pathetically fucking his King DeDeDe waifu body pillow with his gumdrop dong.
He's fucking gay.
He likes Dark Souls, Pokémon, Piano, Skyrim, Rainbow Six: Vegas 2, Smash Bros., Chromazon, 4chan, Fedoras, Simply Silvio, and Costco Pizza. He also enjoys raping fetuses, eating the elderly, burning villages, and pissing his victims' names in the dirt and making them eat it. He also apparently played a lot of Wario games when he was a little kid but who gives a shit. He really doesn't want much in life. Quite the opposite, in fact. He just wants a peaceful, untouched existence in simplicity where he has the spare time to contemplate how shitty of a person he actually is. Like, just look at the picture to the right. That's not actually him, but just think about the way it makes you feel. That's pretty much Evan summed up.
Family and Friends Edit
His mom's a nigger, his dad is a Costco Pizza, his brother's cooler than him, his dog's a potato and everyone else in his family is dead. Except his Aunt Virginia, but the only reason I know she exists is because I made a stupid joke about her in the back of Evan's car one day. All his friends from school are just massive faggots with no ideals concerning normality or common sense, so of course this faggot assumes that living such a shit-drenched existence is 100% normal. That's probably because he also has severe autism and is incapable of detecting or following any social patterns.
Physical Description Edit
He looks like a fucking normal dude like what the fuck did you wanna hear? That he has eight arms and a crab leg? Fuckin' sicko.
Other Shit Edit
He really doesn't have much else to talk about. I would say he has some kind of alternate life that doesn't involve us, but I mean, look at the motherfucker. Do you honestly think any sane person
would want to be in contact with him? Even his dog secretly hates him. Probably wants to kill the fucker. I would. Evan also sorta speaks Spanish, but really ghetto, choppy, and retarded-sounding nigger-ass bayou Spanish that Ms. Sandcheeze probably wants to eat him for. Seriously, I read his shit sometimes and I could swear he doesn't even know what a noun is. Fuckin rotar-ass bullshit.